Why do women hang up?
Posted by Jeffrey on Friday, 4 April, 2008
communicator writes,
Certain women during the initial stages of relationships appear to be responsive but at regualar intervals flake out on the phone by either making up some excuse or sometimes hanging up for no reason. Are women following some kind of formula? I can understand if the guy is rude but lets just talk about times when things are going well. Do women just expect guys to take this bad behavior? Has it backfired on women who employ this strategy? Would be interesting to get a women perspective - especially ones familiar with psycho-literature on “how to get guys and keep them”. Fascinating stuff.
communicator,
You’re asking the wrong guy if you want a woman’s perspective. If women are flaking out or hanging up on you, there are two possible reasons:
- You don’t think you are being rude, but you’re actually putting out an impression that makes these women want to flee. That is, you are unconsciously communicating in a manner that turns these women off.
- These women are playing mind games that they learned in “how to” books.
I don’t make a habit of reading “Get Your Guy and Keep Him” books. My understanding is that women are advised to Be out of reach; Play hard to get; Leave the guy hanging — whatever you want to call it.
In behavioral psychology, intermittent reinforcement is used to train animals. You give a dog a reward, but at random intervals. This schedule apparently works better than rewarding your dog on a predictable basis. So maybe a women will think that if she treats you like crap but occasionally throws you a bone, you’ll be salivating when you hear her ring a bell. (Or if she punishes you sporadically, you will fear her withdrawal, and she will be in power.)
In conclusion, either she’s misinformed by the Dating Industrial Complex — which keeps her dependent on dating books and love advice blogs — or you’re a jerk who thinks you’re not.
Comment below: Why do you hang up or make excuses when on the phone?
April 4th, 2008 at
Why do women hang up?
I hang up for two reasons:
(1) youve just said something so unbelievably a)selfish b)coldhearted c) shockingly wrong, or d) some combination of the three that i feel the need to flee
2) im going to say something i will regret (refer back to #1)
I dont hang up often, and its NEVER for no reason at all. And you better be calling back until I answer, with an apology ready.
April 4th, 2008 at
I think Jeffrey hit the nail on the head. Pay attention to when they hang up and why. What were you talking about just before?
It could be that you’re attracting the wrong women, not picking up on their signals that they’re not interested or suffering from a lack of self-awareness.
Rather than looking at “what’s wrong with women,” I would argue that you should look at your own behavior to determine either the catalyst, or what what keeps you coming back for more punishment.
April 4th, 2008 at
I think those books are dangerous…really. Some women have this whole pre-emptive strike mentality that makes me feel bad for them and the men they are dating.
Ladies, it makes you AT LEAST look like a total witch who plays games and AT WORST makes you look like you’re not confident in who you are to get a man.
If a guy treated me the ways those books told women to treat men, he wouldn’t last five minutes.
It’s so interesting how everyone makes a play for “control” of the relationship…the happiest I’ve ever been in a relationship is when I let go of “control” (I actually decided that I would probably not have the control, and if I did have it it would burden me).
The bottom line however is…A LOT of women read and prescribe to those books and their philosophies.
Sorry, if a self help book told you to look in the mirror everyday, love yourself, treat him with respect, be honest with what you want, be honest with what you need, and let him go if it’s not working out…it wouldn’t sell.
A lot of these books are sold to women who are hounding at marriage, it terrifies me. Marriage is idealized as something that is a means to an end. But we’re not even going down that road in this discussion..keep your hands inside the boat!
Hormonal Exploitation? Maybe. People have to get rich somehow.
Jeffery…I smell a book deal!
-a.
(I want a cement pond and a garishly big bottle of tequila at the ready when I am rich. Also, plastic cups for the tequila.)
April 4th, 2008 at
Speaking of book deal, I read that the blogger of “Stuff White People Like” got a $300,000 book advance!
April 4th, 2008 at
Life’s Not Fair! Ha ha.
I am going to be honest, I don’t know how to feel about that website.
It makes the area between my heart and head hurt..I leave it alone!
$300,000..is it wrong to find people who blow through that kind of cash AMAZING. TOTALLY AWESOME like MC Hammer!
That lack of restraint is almost superhuman!
Jeffrey… I smell a comic book deal!
I get physically ill watching “Cribs”,
a.
April 5th, 2008 at
What is “cribs” Angeline? I don’t know what “Stuff Whire People Like” is either.Sounds not-charming.:-/
Anyway,I agree too, that being honest with ourselves first,as well as others and loving ourselves first is the best way to have a happy loving relationship wiht anyone else.
Good for you for what you said Angleine!Hear hear! keep saying it, and maybe someone will hear you ocasionally.:-)
Anyway–to answer why a woman would hang up on a guy.
I don’t know,especially because I *hate* people to hang up on me even if they’re annoyed –it’s not only rude it’s passive- aggessive and just plain selfish.To me, it means they don’t want to deal wiht the topic, and are just cutting it off.Unless the perosn has completely insulted you, or it’s an nasty prank caller –hanging up on someone is not acceptable to me.
I agree that it’s possible one can be saying something hurtful that they’re unaware of–but still–I think it should have been mentioned first at least before she slammed the phone down!
Without knowing the girl or you–my thoughts on this are–she is flighty and maybe even mood-altered so isn’t paying much attnetion to what she’s doing.
Or, the sad truth is, she was interested in you at first, and now wants you to stop calling, and you’re not getting the message.
How about this though?
Ask a woman when she gets testy or angry, and especially if she just hangs up like that–ask why, and ask what is wrong.
You can even say you may be missing a big obvious fact, but to please tell you.
April 5th, 2008 at
I’ve only hung up on two men in my life. My father (bless his soul) and one guy I met on a chat-line (but not in real life).
Hang-up No. 1:
I hung up on my father because he wasn’t listening to what I had to say. He was stuck on his own agenda preconceived by what my stepmom had drilled into his head. He is controlled by her in many ways, and as he gets older, likes it that way. It relieves him of the responsibilities he should be facing himself, ie paying the bills or facing his daughters when they demand the truth. My stepmom hates me and my sister, and my sister has hung up on my Dad for the same reason–precisely that he won’t listen to the voice of reason. That he refuses to see through what my stepmom is doing. Not because he loves my stepmom so much (he’s actually using her to do his dirty work) but because it’s the easy way out. She says what he wants to hear, even if it hurts us girls, because we remind him of our mother. Whom he despises, for what she did to him over 25 years ago.
Hang-Up No. 2:
I used to talk on those chatlines when they were really popular in the 90’s, before people started going on-line so much. Usually you can tell by the person’s voice what they’re like– if they’re a happy person, inhibited, humorous or sappy, mean or friendly, whatever. Just like a picture is worth a thousand words, a voice is worth at least a hundred. So I remember one guy in particular who started off really good– nice deep husky masculine voice Mel Gibson style, with a sexy twang to it, white-collar uppercrust sort of thing– which really appeals to me. We talked for over half an hour when he starts getting very sexual, subtle at first, then rapidly using words and asking questions that were way out of bounds. He wouldn’t let up when I said “do you mind?” and because he knew he’d already trapped me into his vortex of attraction, came on even stronger. I said “F-you” and hung up. Trouble is he already had my phone number, I was naive enough to give it out back then, and he called back of course, more than once, wanting to talk, saying that it was all a misunderstanding, that I was too inhibited, bla bla yada yada. Of course I never answered his voicemails or ever spoke to the man again.
Those are the only times I’ve ever hung up on a man.
But I’ve noticed people hang up on me quite often, especially if I figure out what they’re up to and confront them with it. Ie. call their bluff.
Specifically, the words I expect to hear and often do, are, “I don’t have to take this” and CLICK.
April 5th, 2008 at
I have hung on a BF in the past a few times (we are no longer dating but we are good friends). The reasons were mostly when I just couldn’t take the conversation, was too overwhelmed, was about to cry (& didn’t want him to know)…but it was never done to play ‘games’. I always called later once I was composed and explained to him what the deal was and he seemed to be okay with it.
April 5th, 2008 at
I have hung up on a BF in the past a few times (we are no longer dating but we are good friends). The reasons were mostly when I just couldn’t take the conversation, was too overwhelmed, was about to cry (& didn’t want him to know)…but it was never done to play ‘games’. I always called later once I was composed and explained to him what the deal was and he seemed to be okay with it.
April 6th, 2008 at
shygirl, I understand not wanting to him to know you were going to cry–I have avoided talking for the same reason too—-
though not usually anymore–I don’t care as much as I did what poeple think.
But I definitely understand you with that one.
That you called back and explained later when you were calmer makes *all* the difference imo.!:-)
April 6th, 2008 at
Victoria, I completely endorse hanging up on unwanted sexual advances–you said no, more than once –he gave up his right to be treated politely.
As for your Dad–I do understand that too, I ahve to say.He wasn’t being fair, and wasn’t really talking to you, but giving out what your stepmother said–so I get it.
I normally will hang in there to give the person the right to talk, to express what he/she needs to say—but if *I’m* not given that right in return,well that’s a different thing entirely.
April 7th, 2008 at
Karen, Thanks. It’s nice to know that someone else ‘gets’ it. It is comforting…:-)
April 8th, 2008 at
Oh gosh, I hang up on this sag all the time. Perhaps it is a mental control thing, but really, I just want to get off the phone, and he keeps on talking!!!!!