Love-Advice.com

Posted by Jeffrey on Wednesday, 2 April, 2008

cohabitation connundrum writes,

I’ve recently met the man of my dreams. Well, the man of my dreams resurrected in the flesh. We’ve been together nearly nonstop for the last 2 months or so. We get along smashingly, have the same goals and outlook on life, are both settled, established and comfortable with who we are. We’ve both been through the relationship wringer a few times and I believe we’re both approaching our relationship with eyes, hearts and minds fully open. ¶ Recently, my man sent me an email and suggested that we move in together in a few months time. I was moderately freaked out and responded in a way that was open to exploration but noncommittal. I do want to live with him, but I’m not sure when or if it’s too soon. I’ve kind of broached the subject with him. ¶ What I wonder is this:
- How soon is too soon?
- Will my bliss be spoiled by cohabitation, or is living together a good indicator of whether things will really work out or not?
- He suggested moving in with me as I have more space, but having lived in this space with an ex for an extended period of time, would that cause strain in our relationship? Would he feel like an interloper or could he truly feel at home here?
- What questions/factors can help me make this decision?

cohabitation connundrum,

Although a couple need never cohabitate to have a successful partnership, being able to share a space is an excellent indicator of whether a relationship will last. After all, it is not until you live together that you are truly exposed to each other’s foibles. How will you react if he leaves the top off the toothpaste or doesn’t put the toilet seat down? What will you do if he likes blasting Everclear at 7am while he works out in the living room? The challenge of cohabitation is learning to be flexible, to compromise. You will have to pick your battles, as you cannot have everything your way.

I think you shouldn’t move in together until some of the bliss has died down. You’ve only been together two months, which means you’re still in the honeymoon phase. When the hormone-induced euphoria passes and you see some of his faults — and can live with them — then it’s safe to move in together. If you cohabitate before you see him for who he really is, you might get in trouble. Imagine having to live with him, realizing you can’t stand a part of him that hadn’t surfaced while you had your separate pads. He may not be able to move out ASAP, and the strain could be considerable.

As for having shared your space with your ex: As long as you don’t openly display stuff that is associated with him, I don’t think it would be a problem. If your boyfriend asks about a poster or photo and you have to say, “Oh, that’s my ex’s — I just can’t bring myself to take it down because it has so many memories associated with it,” then it shouldn’t be there.

~ Jeffrey