What’s my standing with a woman who calls me her special friend?
Posted by Jeffrey on Tuesday, 8 April, 2008
Chris writes,
I recently told a young woman that I loved her. She replied that she had deep feelings for me. Now she calls me her “special friend” and her “big teddy bear”. I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I want more out of this relationship. Am I kidding myself or do I have a shot at this happening?
Chris,
Big teddy bear is a de-sexualized expression of affection. Having deep feelings falls short of love. She’s trying to tell you that you mean a lot to her, but she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend. And she wasn’t explicit because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings.
You haven’t mentioned if you two are sleeping together. Urban Dictionary defines special friend as “A persom [sic] whom you are dating exclusively, but who has not yet been elevated to ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ status.” Alternately, it’s “a term used for someone you wish to continue to sleep with, but not be bogged down by real relationship terms.” So if you’re getting it on, you can continue to enjoy that, but she’s not going to deepen her relationship with you.
It’s always the person who wants less who dictates how far a relationship goes. (Not counting coercion.) Your challenge is being with the pain of unrequited love. If it hurts too much to not be with her the way you would like, then you can choose to withdraw. But if you push it — by persistently expressing your love despite no change in her response — then she might pull away.
I’d suggest you just be yourself with her and leave this incident behind you. She won’t forget it, and if her feelings for you change in the future, she’ll probably feel confident in letting you know.
Comment below: Do you think Chris has a shot?
April 9th, 2008 at
Hi, Chris. I am replying since yes I have done something similar. Jeffrey is right on par, but she could be playing the hard to get game thinking it will keep you around and you like that kind of stuff.
April 9th, 2008 at
Chris, In the absence of clear cut indication from this girl that “you have a shot”, I think it’s safe for you to assume that you DON’T have one. It’s better to be safe than sorry. If she changes her mind, it will be a pleasant surprise for you but if she doesn’t at least you won’t leave yourself hanging by the thread of hope, only to be cut off anytime by her. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I think based on her response, you are better off assuming she DOES NOT love you. Grieve over it and move on. Hopefully a better & more fulfilling romantic & love life awaits you, but you will NEVER discover it if you keep wasting your time with this one. It’s excruciatingly painful to be around someone you LOVE but who has only ‘deep feelings’ for you in return. Believe in yourself that you deserve better. Best wishes !!!
April 9th, 2008 at
I have to agree with shygirl. Chances are her feelings for you do not run as deep as your feelings for her.
The other thing you can do is just ask. It’s hard, and she may not be honest, but it can’t hurt to find out.
April 10th, 2008 at
Hey, everyone is saying no.But especially depnding on the culture, “special freind” can definitely mean a lover.
I saw the the “dictionary” says the same thing.
I might say special freind and mean my good buddy, but I don’t think that’s what this woman thinks.
Now, it’s true she might be putting you off and just keeping you around to enjoy but with nothing else intended.
I would not assume *anyhting* either way.
As Jeffrey I think already asked I don’t know if you’re sleeping with her, or just hanging out.
It’s a fact she hadn’t told you she loves you too. But she is not saying no either.
I know women who call their husbands big teddy bear etc.
You alone know if there’s more to this relationship.I do agree with everyone that it is’nt lear, and you might just ahve to ask her.
My suggestion is htough, don’t make a big deal out of it, or behave in a desparate or demanding manner.
Sweetly, and gently find a way to bring it up, so you’re no longer in the dark.
Everyone has a chance with most people.
But only you can find out if you do with this one. :-).
April 10th, 2008 at
@proserpine, I think a woman calls her husband a big teddy bear because she already feels secure with him, they have moved past the initial pheremone-heavy stage of relationship.
April 15th, 2008 at
@ Jeffrey big ups on using the Urban Dictionary to get to the bottom of this!
@Chris…I think you are an AMAZING, BRAVE human being for confessing your feelings to someone at the risk of them not reciprocating and I hope you find someone who is willing to make you their special BOYfriend, you certainly deserve it!!
a.
April 15th, 2008 at
@angelineelise, having been raised a Jewish kid in the suburbs, I need all the help I can get.
April 20th, 2008 at
Thanks Jeffrey, and you’re probably right about that of course.:-)
But the woman I’m thinking of in particular, was referring to someone *other* than her husband, and she had said he was quote-”a real hunk”! and when I asked about it, she said “well he’s like a big teddy bear, you want to snuggle up to him”(this was big guy).
So, she didn’t mean her comfy secure husband in this case.(though he was a big teddy bear too, lol)
I dunno.
Love is a mystery no matter how much we know and expereince, we still will never know it all.that’s the nature of it..:-)