Single dad won’t move in with single mom
Posted by Jeffrey on Tuesday, 25 March, 2008
Diggy writes,
We met via our kids. The boys wanted a playdate and I thought ugh not another playdate! But, when my son told me the kid he wanted to hang out with, I was like YES! I had had my eye on this really cute dad for a couple of years. I didnt know what his story was but I soon found out he was single, etc. I called him up the weekend before our kids playdate and asked him out for a drink for our own playdate. I thought it would be a casual physical thing which is what I was into. Just acting out with men and being a bit loose. To make a long story short, we hit it off (he had not been with anyone for 2 years) and have had many wonderful times together on our off weekends we play house and get to live as individuals rather than parents. With our kids, we have an amazing time as well. We all get on famously. We have so many connections and we cant believe we didn’t meet 20 years ago traveling in the same circles. We feel sadness at knowing that we could have had our kids together instead of the ex we now have to indure. Now, the evil quandry. He is not ready to move in to my house he feels he has just started to get to know who he is. I know we would have a great life together even though he stuggles financially. I was confused for so long as to what I wanted. Just having fantasy weekends or looking for a partner to build something together and raise our 11, 12 (his) and 14 year olds. I dont know if I should make the painful break of something that has nothing wrong with it or continue this lifestyle where we live in separate places, pay separate mortgage/rents and pick up kids in parallel existences. I dont think he will ever be able to join forces with me. As we get older I feel we get set in our ways. I have fears of losing my identity by moving in with someone but I think of spending my life with someone and I do know that I want that now. Perhaps I’m not important to him but I believe that I am. He makes plans way into the future and does gardening and house stuff at my place. I always looked down at women who would walk away from someone who could not commit because they wanted the marriage, kids etc, I wanted to be a strong modern woman, but now I may be that person who is looking for happiness in the american dream? Ugh shoot me now! I do feel a sadness at being rejected by him not going further and I feel I should take some kind of revenge by cutting him off so that he realizes what he will lose. We talk many times a day. What should I do? should I wait and try to keep enjoying? Should I stop this and be open to someone else that may or may never come and lose this wonderful relationship? Help!
Diggy,
It sounds like you have a good thing going on. You already have your kids, you haven’t mentioned anything about not being financially self-sufficient. You weren’t expecting anything more than casual sex, and you got an emotional connection with someone. Having opened your heart, you recognize that you long to share your life with him on a daily basis, to have him a part of your routine. And now that you are in touch with your desire for essentially your next marriage (whether you tie the knot or not), fantasy weekends fall short. You want more of him that he is willing to offer. And short of moving in with you, he’s offering quite alot.
But face it, this guy has been single for two years, and probably left a less-than-satisfying marriage in which he neglected his needs. He needs to get in touch with himself! I suggest you be patient, and enjoy what you have. He may, over time, propose a step to deepen your relationship.
~ Jeffrey
March 28th, 2008 at
Diggy,
If he was not with a woman for 2 years, that seems like a red flag to me. I think he might have been hurt very very badly. Why don’t you try richening your relationship with him by helping him find out who he is. Then you both will get closer, you will have a front row seat to the progress towards reaching your goal of living together, and everyone wins this way. When I say help him, I mean ASK. Start poking softly into that wall. See why it’s up. If he already admitted that he wants to find himself, then he might not react too badly from a little light poking. And, if he was hurt terribly, then deep inside of him, he is probably not completely fulfilled either, because he has held himself back from fully trusting another woman after what happened to him. I say it’s a win/win. Push his buttons gently and lovingly. Get him to open up. Be direct, but compassionate, and reach out for the “him” that he is looking for. That will help you as well cause then you won’t go stir crazy wondering when he will “get there” cause you’ll be part of that journey too. You might even find this as more rewarding than moving in right now.
March 28th, 2008 at
Oh, and this: “Perhaps I’m not important to him”
First woman in two years? Yeah, you are important.
April 5th, 2008 at
Thank you Jeffrey. I think I will stay and enjoy. When I don’t let fear get in the way, I am able to enjoy this man and learn more about my self.
Thanks also to Ignipotent. I think there’s a lot of truth to just talking and we’ve done alot of healing together, he and I. It made me feel good when you said what I really already knew that I am important - just have to realize his actions speak louder than his words!