Should I give my ex another chance?
Posted by Jeffrey on Tuesday, 22 April, 2008
tiffanymarie06 writes,
I met my ex-fiance about a year and a half ago while we were stationed in virginia beach (we are both in the Navy). I was dating someone else at the time who he knew so it started off as friends. When my boyfriend broke up with me, he was the first person I went to and he held me while I cried, talked to me, and listened, and ultimately made me feel a lot better. We ended up spending more time together and developed deeper feelings toward each other when he got new orders to Florida. We lost contact for about 6 months but then started talking again, and realized we still had feelings for each other. By this time I had moved to DC but we worked hard to make the long distance thing work, and then got engaged. One day I recieved a call from a good friend of his from back home (who is also his ex) saying that he still has feelings for her and wanted to hook up with her when he went home on leave. This was the first I had heard of it so my first response was to ignore it. I trusted my fiance and I didnt know this girl very well. She called me later that night and said she had him on the other line and asked if I wanted to listen to the conversation. Although I knew I shouldnt have, I agreed. What I heard was pretty close to what she had described to me on the phone earlier, although she did seem to be encouraging him to say those things. The next day I left him and we didnt speak for 6 months. I contacted him a few months ago in an email about a situation that happened at our previous command, nothing personal. He responded and thanked me for finally making contact with him and asked if we could keep in touch. We have been emailing ever since then (he is deployed right now) and he calls me when he gets a chance. He says how deeply sorry he is and he realized just how much he lost when I left him and would like another chance. I definately still have strong feelings for him, and want to give him another chance, but I am still hesitant to because of what he did before. Should I trust that he really is sorry and give him another chance?
tiffanymarie06,
Your ex-fiancé’s ex did a lowdown and dirty thing. But even if she was leading him on, that doesn’t make him innocent.
I have two conflicting beliefs about character. Although I believe in the human ability to change — to radically alter one’s behavior — I also believe that our basic character does not change, and that it is extremely difficult to break out of our old routines. A man who easily gives in to temptation may always struggle with his desire. This is not to say that he cannot make a decision, supported by the anchor of his soul, to stay true to one woman. But his commitment must be based on more than words.
If you give your ex a second chance, he may prove himself to be more honest and mature than he was before. But he may betray you once again. You take a calculated risk if you let him back into your heart.
Are you willing to be hurt again? We often shy away from the possibility of heartbreak because it hurts so much. After you’ve been wounded, why would you want to put yourself in that situation again? Yet the ache of being let down doesn’t kill you — it just proves that you’ve loved. I understand that bodybuilders become buff by ripping up their muscles a little bit at a time. The heart is a muscle too, and perhaps the more it rips open, the bigger it becomes.
But let’s not become too idealistic. You’re not out to court pain. You just want to know if your ex’s apology is sincere, and if he’s changed. You could live by the “three strikes, you’re out” rule, in which case you give him the benefit of the doubt. The worst that can happen is that he betrays you once again. You’ll live.
~ Jeffrey
April 23rd, 2008 at
Tiffanymarie, I agree with everything Jeffrey said as well.
What does your gut tell you? Do *you* really want to try this again?
It might be worth a chance, and remember the long distance thing is difficult which may have added to his confusion back then.
I wouldn’t jump to invite him back, but ask him a little bit more about it, and then decide.It might be worth a try.:-)
Good luck.
Karen
April 23rd, 2008 at
You should be grateful for what the girl did. Sure, she wanted to hurt you but she was more honest than your boyfriend and enlightened you.
You acted respectfully by leaving. Stay gone. Stay true to your self-respecgt The relationship is over.
I don’t think his being with another girl sexually is necessarily a character flaw. I mean, nobody can own another person’s sexuality. IT’s his to engage and bond with people as he chooses. But I’m aware my beliefs are nontraditational and liberal.
I don’t agree with lying however. He should have told you he was interested in sleeping with someone else and negotiated with you.
Syn.
April 23rd, 2008 at
Tiffanymarie, My personal philosophy is that I NEVER allow anyone who has broken my heart & my trust even once, back in my life again EVER. Trust is a very fundamental requirement for healthy & successful relationships. There’s just no way around it. Trust is to be EARNED & not given away for free for people to abuse it. What has this guy done to EARN your trust back besides mouthing ’sorry’ & sending you emails?
Can people change in life? Yes & no. Yes, any human being has what it takes to change, but that does not mean we can all do it. In order to break free from your ingrained patterns of thinking & behavior, in my opinion, it takes profound soul searching, which involves carthasis of a lot of deep seated issues that generally trigger & support the dysfunctional patterns in the first place. It is almost a deeply spiritual process, where you free yourself of you ‘baggage’ & rise above the ordinary & mundane & truly EVOLVE as a human being.
In all honesty I think this sort of a profound and lasting change can be achieved by only a handful under the right circumstances & @ the right time of their journey. Most of us make changes only to fall back into familiar patterns of behavior whenever under stress.
Has your guy truly changed that much? I don’t know the answer to that & it seems to me that you are not certain either or else you wouldn’t be asking this question. So the question you need to ask yourself is if you let him in your life again, are you willing to go through the heartache that you WILL go through every time he can’t be reached on phone or every time he is late coming in or goes out of town on a business trip, wondering if he is with someone else? To me no man is worth that.
I am sorry that he put through what he did. It seems that you obviously love him. Can you love yourself more than you love him? I wish you well !!!
April 26th, 2008 at
“Should I trust that he really is sorry and give him another chance?”
Give him as many chances as you want to because you will anyway no matter what anybody say. You are the one who is in love with him. Love is strange and stubborn and sometime stupid. It listens to advice but never applies it. Whatever people tell you will just go in one ear and out the other. They are wasting their time.
April 26th, 2008 at
Thank you all very much. It really helps me a lot to get a few unbiased opinions. He is currently on deployment and is supposed to return in june. I guess I will find out then if he really has changed and if I am willing to give him another chance. Again, thank you.
May 7th, 2008 at
Best of wishes, tiffanymarie06…
hope it works out whether you do or don’t give him a chance. =)
in my opinion, I don’t think you should give him another chance. at the end of the day, only you know if you should or shouldn’t. I say follow your gut intuition, also take into account what Jeffrey and everyone else posted, and think and also pray abou it.
much love
May 9th, 2008 at
Oh, simple one. Just make him give you the following at the door:
- His social security number
- His bank account numbers
- The passwords to every email, myspace, or facebook he has, and any other online community
- Names and phone numbers of all his exes and girls he has just fooled around with
Laslty, you are in the military, so find someone to run a full background check on him, and let him know you will be doing this every 30-days
Problem solved.
Okay….that was really sarcastic. Just wanted to make you smile