Pregnant woman’s boyfriend spends most evenings with female friends
Posted by Jeffrey on Monday, 14 April, 2008
Macey writes,
Ive been living with this guy for almost a year. Well, here recently his friends moved in right across the street from us, and a couple of them are girls. Ive always had a problem with him hanging out with girls, but with one of the girls, he calls her like 3 times a day and i rarely get to see him because he stays over there hangin out with his buddies until time for bed. We are on the verge of breaking up, but his argument is that i need to let him have his friends and that he needs time away from me. He has even asked me to go home for a couple of weeks so he can be alone. We are having a baby together in july and I really dont want to lose him. What should I do?
Macey,
All your boyfriend’s actions suggest that he does not want to spend time with you, that he is running away from intimacy. It’s reasonable to spend one or two nights a week with friends, but he needs to make you his priority, and he’s not doing that. This might not be so terrible if the baby were not in the picture — you’d break up and it would hurt, but you’d recover. However, you are pregnant, and this guy will be in your life forever, whether you stick together or not.
I don’t believe that giving him all the freedom and “time with his friends” he wants is going to help your relationship — that’s giving him the message that you’re OK with not being the most important person in his life. Yet, what are your options? I imagine you’re afraid of putting your foot down, lest he split entirely. Notice your feelings as you read the following: “Listen, I know you don’t want to be with me 24/7, but I’m having your baby. If you can’t make me #1 in your life, then I do not see how we can be a family. I love you and want to be with you, but I am not willing to be home alone with a child every night while you’re hanging out with friends. If you cannot commit to making us your priority, then you might want to ask yourself whether you want a relationship with your child.” Unless you’re good at bluffing, I wouldn’t suggest saying this unless you follow your words with actions.
It’s possible your guy is freaking out about losing his freedom. When I became a father, it took me a good 18 months to actually settle into it. I was resentful about losing my independence. If a guy is used to doing what he wants when he wants, then just the idea of taking on a great responsibility can lead to rebellion.
And although a partnered, het man can have a totally platonic friendship with another woman, it’s possible that he’s got something going on with this female friend he calls three times a day.
Whatever the explanation for his behavior, I think you need to take a stand. You do risk losing him if you set a boundary, but the status quo sounds unfair to you.
Comment below: How do you think Macey can keep her boyfriend while maintaining her self-respect?
April 14th, 2008 at
Macey, Have you considered going for some couples’ counseling with him? Pregnancy can be an emotionally stressful adjustment for any couple. I wonder, just like Jeffrey mentioned, if it’s triggering a ‘fright & flight’ response in your partner. There may be some deeper underlying issues here at play with regards to his own family of origin & childhood over & beyond relationship issues. Counseling may not only help you with all this but may provide you with a ’safe’ place to express your emotions and confront him on this. I wish you all the best !!!
April 15th, 2008 at
Macey, been there got t-shirt, made my stand and kicked my husband out. He didn’t want to go for counselling as a couple, didn’t help with our daughter, moved out of the room (his reason was he needed his sleep… well I was back at work to and needed rest as much as he needed it). As pregnant women my emotions was all over the show and my instincts was very sharp. So I did the best for us. He also wanted his freedom and after putting my foot down he stayed home but refused to help and would go sleep as much as he could.
I recon it depends on type of person your boyfriend is. It could back-fire so be prepare yourself for the consequences to. For months I did everything alone with him being in the house so to a point he made it easier for me to cope alone.
Also it’s not to say he’s not in your life he doesn’t have to support your child or you…
Good luck, it’s not easy but we are stronger than that and some or other way we do make it. Find your strength in what ever you decide and stick to your guns and be proud of your choice for the both of you.
April 15th, 2008 at
I agree with Jeff…you need to take a stand. If he doesn’t want to “man up” so to speak and spend time with you & make obvious his devotion to you NOW.. he’s not going to when the baby comes. In fact, I can only see you feeling worse!
I highly suggest you set up an additional support system beyond this man as well…parents, siblings, friends…let them in, tell them whats going on so you have people to help you with the baby when it comes..
By the way…congratulations and best of health to you and your baby!
a.
April 20th, 2008 at
You were stupid to have sex and get pregnant with a guy you weren’t married to. Sorry to be so blunt but hey that’s the way it goes. Make your bed, sleep in it. What did you think that you could make him want to marry you just because you were naive enough to think this would trap him into a permanent relationship? It’s your own fault and if it’s not too late to have an abortion which would be selfish anyway, so go ahead and sleep in the bed you made for yourself and stop complaining.
April 20th, 2008 at
Tia, that’s harsh! Who’s to say that the guy would be acting any different if they were married? That piece of paper is no guarantee of fidelity, emotional or sexual.
April 21st, 2008 at
Thank you Jeffrey for your comments. I found Tia’s comments quite harsh & frankly uncalled for too. Granted, Tia that you’ve every right to have an ‘opinion’. But it seems to me that you are making too many assumptions and being too judgmental here. We have no idea what the circumstances surrounding the conception of this baby were, nor do we have any right to probe into it. They BOTH may very well have willingly decided to get pregnant. What gave you the impression that she wanted to ‘trap’ him? In case you didn’t know, people get pregnant even when they use contraceptives, because nothing is 100% fool-proof. That does not make them ’stupid’ or ‘naive’. I hope sincerely that you never find yourself in a similar situation even by accident…:(-
April 21st, 2008 at
And btw, Tia, it would not necessarily be selfish of Macey to have an abortion, that is your own narrow minded opinion.
but obviously she is not having one.
You should have at least *asked* before assuming anything, and pronouncing your judgement.At least then if you’re going to be harsh, it would at least be grounded in something.
April 21st, 2008 at
Macey, if you’re still around ow, I want to wish you good luck first of all.
Secondly, what I think is this–without knowing more abot yuo or your boyfriend, I agree with everyone that yourman sounds like he doesn’t want to committ or take on more.
I can’t tell if this will change.
I wouldn’t (as was said too)threaten if I could not carry out what I say, but, I do suggest clamly firmly but quietly, teling him that it does not seem to him that he really wants to be with you, bay or not baby, and so you are asking him to be sure.
If you loe him, I don’t think that the question or words of confrontation are what will cause it.
It even could be that if you leave he will miss you.
But, sad to say, you can’t count on anything either way.
Tel him the absolute truth, and do what your heart tells you.
Sometimes when we don’t hold on tight to someone, that is when they realize they *do* want us very much.
But if not, all the planning and hoping willl not change it either.
Please take good care of you and your baby.You are always more important than any relationship with a guy is.
April 29th, 2008 at
I know this sounds easy, coming from someone not in the picture (I have my own battles!) but there doesn’t even have to be a threat. What it sounds like you are feeling, you can simply say - something like “I am just not happy” - and ask or if necessary tell HIM to leave (at least for awhile - and see if he changes/decides to put you first or not) - you don’t have to (go to your mothers…. - so he can hae the ease to hang with the neighbors - let him figure out how to create his own “ease” - you need to figure out how to create your own happiness).
You are going to have a wonderful new being in your life - who will need your loved and happiness- so don’t let this selfish guy take it!