My married High School Sweetheart is never going to leave his wife
Posted by Jeffrey on Thursday, 15 May, 2008
Juicy writes,
About 6 years ago my High School Sweetheart and I ran into each other at an event. We both knew that we still loved each other and it was ON!!!! I truly believe that this man is my soul mate - the Love of my Life!!!!! However, we just couldn’t make it happen, at that time I was still married and so was he. After some time I left my home and relationship because we planned to be together, but he had some issues with his daughter and his wife’s health - so we agreed that I would give him some time to get his things in order, we didn’t want to hurt anyone or cause embarrassment to his family or mine so we kept quiet about our plans. Anyway, we were deeply in love (or so I thought) then one dark day after having one of the best times we’ve ever had together I had an epiphany… it hit me that THIS was never going to change. Prior to that day, NO ONE not even you Jeffrey, could have told me that we would not be together today, much less that we would not be even speaking to each other. Things got ugly when I told him that I felt he was never gonna make any changes, and I didn’t want things to continue the way it was anymore. He said I was being a spoiled selfish brat and it was my lack of patience that caused all this hurt and pain we both are experiencing now. I guess my question is did I make the right decision even though it’s killing me???? I often wonder if I would have been a little more patient….??????
Juicy,
People tend to choose stasis over dramatic upheaval. We are creatures of habit, and to disrupt our home lives often brings stress. We usually don’t change unless our lives are really painful — and even then, some of the martyrs among us will put up with almost anything…
I don’t know how old your sweetheart’s daughter is, but if she’s a minor, he may be unwilling to break up his family. And since his wife is ill, he may feel obligated to be there for her. In essence, he has responsibilities to his loved ones.
How do you feel about having left your marriage for him, even though you are not together? It may have been for the best, if you were truly unhappy with your husband. This revived romance may have been the catalyst you needed to realize you had to shake up your life.
Intuition vs. Reactivity
Your epiphany may have been your “still, small voice” or it could have been the result of your impatience and anger about the fact that he was taking too long to leave his wife. If your realization felt authentic and embodied, then trust it — you made the right decision. If not, perhaps you could have given him the time he needed.
It’s possible he wanted to have his family and you, and that you simply recognized the bitter truth. What man doesn’t want security and sex? I’m generalizing here, but I think it’s true that a less-than-honest man has little incentive to leave what he’s got if he can have a love affair on the side.
~ Jeffrey
May 16th, 2008 at
…He said I was being a spoiled selfish brat and it was my lack of patience that caused all this hurt and pain…
It’s funny that he should accuse you of not having patience. He could have shown some patience himself with your anger/frustration & given you some time to process what you were feeling, & waited for you to cool down enough to have a rational discussion about your options together.
Sounds to me like he himself was losing patience with the situation, & when you confronted him, it hit him at all the right spots.
…I often wonder if I would have been a little more patient….??????…
It seems to me that you are playing right into his hands by blaming yourself & calling yourself ‘impatient’………That’s exactly what he WANTS you to do,i.e. blame yourself so he doesn’t have to take responsibility….Is that what you want to do too, give him a free pass?
…I guess my question is did I make the right decision even though it’s killing me????….
You did whatever felt RIGHT to you in that moment. Trust your instincts & have faith in yourself. We could all go through life, always wondering about the what ifs. The truth is that we never really know the answer to that great ‘what if’ question.
All we KNOW for certain are the cards we were dealt & the game we played & we have to live with the outcome. But guess what, tomorrow is another day & a brand new set of cards awaits you whenever you are ready to play again. This time I hope you’ve a Straight Flush….:-)
Best wishes & take care of yourself !!!
May 16th, 2008 at
Like shy girl, I sense some blaming going on. He completely turned it right around like it was YOUR FAULT. People like that are dangerous. How can ONE person caused ALL this hurt and pain? How can a person say that?
May 21st, 2008 at
Ive met many a men who will suddenly turn nasty and critical when things have not gone the way they wanted to. It’s a reaction that pushes them to try to put you down in order to feel powerful again, because you took away the power he had over you in the first place. It’s a nasty cycle.
May 29th, 2008 at
I like the point Jeffrey made about him being a catalyst for you. Here are some things to ponder:
- If he is your “soulmate” then even if you get pissed and impatient, it will eventually work out, right?
- If it doesn’t work out, well, wrong soulmate. Your guy is still out there while this one is busy distracting you from what’s waiting on you out in the world.
One good thing seems to have come out of this, regardless of how it works out with this married Sweetheart, which is that you are OUT of a marriage with a guy who clearly wasn’t THE ONE and now you are no longer living a false life committed to someone you are not in love with.
I am speaking like this from experience….I had an affair on my husband with a guy who literally rocked my world right into spinsterhood….and after I got over my insane love for the guy who burst my annoying marriage bubble, I ended up finding the guy who was really meant for me. (which didn’t happen to be the rocketship love needed to break the marriage, but the puzzle-piece love that adds to the joy and completeness of my life)
So, I like this word “catalyst” and Jeffrey may have hit the nail on the head here. He saved you. His job may be done now, and you will be forever free to find true love now, whether it’s him or another.
June 25th, 2008 at
I agree with Jeffery on the part of this man most likely wanted to have his family and you…therefore, he has everything he wants…his security blanket and a little fun and sex on the side. That is usually the way it goes for married man. If he was indeed your soulmate, you would be together. But on the bright side, in the process, you came to end an marriage that obvious was causing uncontentment.
June 26th, 2008 at
Thank you all for your wonderful comments and insight — I know I made the right choice, it still hurts but I’m moving on!
July 12th, 2008 at
Great for you, Juicy! =)