My husband is giving his ex-wife extra money!
Posted by Jeffrey on Thursday, 10 April, 2008
Shelby writes,
I recently found out that my husband of seven years has been paying his ex-wife additional money above and beyond the court ordered child support. It totals $12,000 over the last 23 months. He has lied when I have asked if he is giving her money. I decided to check on the account and found 14 deposits into her account over the last 23 months. I am upset. What should I do?
Shelby,
You are understandly upset. Your husband betrayed your trust. However, his intentions may be good. The mandatory amount of child support determined by the court is often insufficient to help a single mother out, and your husband is simply offering a better life to his child(ren) from his previous marriage.
The other possibility is that he is not being generous, but rather that his ex-wife is emotionally blackmailing him to give her more cash — in which case, he would be ashamed to tell you.
The first thing you should do is confront him. He will probably react defensively or sheepishly. After emotions have settled, gently explore with him why he is giving his ex-wife additional money. This discussion may dig up a deeper issue than the fact that he lied.
If it turns out that he was simply helping his ex out to make the life of his progeny easier — and if you can afford to give up six grand a year — then I see no reason why he should stop. But then, why would he lie about it? If you’re struggling financially due to his outlay, then perhaps your husband was afraid that you would not agree to how he spends your family’s money.
The bottom line is that you two share financial resources, and he should have first discussed this with you.
~ Jeffrey
April 11th, 2008 at
This is definitely a difficult situation. But one thing that I think is the real issue that you may want to think about is that he did not feel comfortable being honest and upfront about his contributions because of your possible negative reaction as you have reacted now. Was he afraid you would refuse to allow him to give his children more money? How do you feel about his children and their well being? Does your husband feel that you do care about them or that you only want them to have the court ordered amount nothing more. Ideally, when you married your husband you took on his kids as well. Perhaps letting your husband know that you are supportive and care will open him up to allow you to be a part of financial decision making.
April 15th, 2008 at
Financial honesty is just that, honesty…anytime I find myself lying about money it’s usually because I am not comfortable with someone knowing what I know
This could really help your relationship if he is being generous for his children, he may want to tell you, he might be scared If it’s not going to hurt you financially then you just proved that you have the prize…because no amount of money can substitute being the one married to a generous man like that.
You need to not just get him to fess up, sit him down and go over ALL of your finances, let him know you are going to be taking a more active role and follow through!! Sit down once a month and have a little “state of the union”. After a few of those you find your so conscious of it all those conversations just breeze by!
Complete intimacy includes financial intimacy…..best of luck!!
a.