Lisa writes,
I tend to believe that I’m not naive about men, since I’ve dealt with every kind imaginable in my 38years of life, but even still, I’m amazed at the way some men behave. Recently, I met this gorgeous guy online on one of the top dating sites. He sent a “wink” to me showing his interest, and the next day he emailed me wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day. It was a nice surprise, since I wasn’t dating anyone seriously. So, we started emailing, and getting to know eachother, and after about a week, he called me the first time at 1:30AM on Sunday. I didn’t answer because I was sleeping, and I figured it would have been liquid courage talking for him. So, he waited to call me until the following Saturday, and ended up calling me 4 times that night, and left several messages telling me he was very interested in me, and wanted to meet for dinner. Well, I didn’t answer my phone that night, because I was actually on a date with someone else that night. I sent a quick text on my way home from the date, saying yes, I’m still interested in you, let’s talk tomorrow.
Anyway, he called the next night, and the Tuesday after making sure I understood he was interested, and wanted to confirm that I wanted to meet him somewhere for dinner that coming weekend. I said yes, and was really excited. Three days later, I emailed him some ideas about where we could go to meet for dinner, and blah blah blah. No response. The next day was our scheduled date, and by 3pm I had not heard from him. So, I left a nice text message and asked if he was planning on meeting tonight, and if not, no big deal. Just let me know, so I can make other plans. He did respond quickly, and said he just couldn’t do it because he wasn’t ready to get back into the dating scene, and said he was sorry. He had mentioned earlier that week after I asked about his longest relationships he had, and he mentioned his last girlfriend, who he dated last year. She moved to California, and it didn’t last after about 6 months, because of the distance. He said he was ready to move on. He also admitted he did miss her still. My question is - after canceling our date, which wasn’t a big deal to me, but the thing is that he hasn’t contacted me, or responded to me at all in the past two weeks. I called once, and emailed once,(friendly, brief conversation) and no response at all. Why would he still be on the dating site if he’s not ready to date, and why would he not choose to work on a friendship with me if he was so interested in me a few days before our first date???? I just don’t get it. I really need a male opinion of how to handle this. If I leave him alone, will he eventually contact me when he’s ready, or did our one moment to meet pass, and that’s it?
Lisa,
Are not many people ambivalent about entering the dating world? Not that they don’t want to be in a relationship, but that there’s so much work and fear involved. Work because you have to put on your best self, and fear because you have no idea what’s going to happen. Yes, dating can be exciting, but if you have high expectations, you can enter this world with anxiety.
Sure, he posted his profile, but don’t we all stick our foot in the water, and occasionally decide we’re not ready to go swimming? It’s one thing to want to be involved with someone new, it’s another to actually do it. Do we want our hearts broken again? Do we want to risk rejection or just plain awkwardness yet another time?
Also, this guy still has his heart in California. He may say he’s ready to move on, but what percent of him, really? He may just be on the dating site for the fantasy involved. He can look at pictures, flirt online, build an image of various women in his mind — but not really want to go past that. Don’t you ever get “high” just cruising through profiles? Is there not a thrill in clicking through page after page, just to find a picture and some accompanying text that result in an “ooh” or “ah”? Sometimes being on a dating site can simply be a way of getting in touch with what we want in a partner. Or just relieving some loneliness by winking at someone cute. There’s a big difference between the fantasy and the reality of meeting a flesh-and-blood person. Once we become involved in a new intimate relationship, all our vulnerabilities come to the surface. That’s a difficult place to be in, and it may provide someone a sense of control to just interact in the virtual realm.
If he hasn’t responded to your most recent phone call and email, it’s best to let it go.
~ Jeffrey
Comment below: Have you ever dipped your toe into the waters of online dating, only to decide you’re not ready?
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
YES I have dipped and changed my mind many times. I am usually direct if I change my mind, but sometimes I just ignore them. It is easy to drop someone when you have never met them. It’s somewhat cruel, but it’s what we sign-up for on those sites, I think.
I actually used to wander into those places and start flirting when the man I love and I were having serious problems. I don’t EVER do that now, no matter how hard it gets, but in the beginning, it was a way for me to feel validated, as though SOMEONE wants me, even if the one I love was stirring up my insecurities. Then these guys would get attached, and I realized, “Oops, these are real people and they want something from me.” I even did schedule a few dates and then totally freak out when I realized that the virtual world was about to become reality. I must sound mean now, but this is just the truth. I’m sure I am not the only one.
It can be all too easy to play in the virtual world without thinking about real human feelings.
Timing sometimes is just off and it is not a reflection of who we are as a person. Recognizing, accepting and respecting though is something we have power over.
What works for me is the concept that dating should be fun and if it becomes a source of energy drain then I am better off not being around the person.
I have stopped the analysis a long time ago. If he wants to connect he will and the ball is in his court.
It is ridiculous to be on a dating serious dating site such as EHARMONY if a person is not ready to date with seriousness. If you want to dip your toe in the water, do it on a less serious site like match or plenty of fish. Eharmony is marketed with a bit more seriousness for people who there to find a relationship of less than casual nature. Those who will make the time and interest in pursuing something more than a quickie swim-check.
If you go out with someone and they are like the OP indicated: excited and very vigilant and quick to make time to go out on that date…then they should be respectful and more committed to following through instead of leading someone down a path of uncertainty or disregard.
It is very disconcerting to have a man on a serious site vigorously show interest and be very upbeat and enthusiastic to go out with you - and then shortly thereafter indicate he is not sure what he wants. If that’s the case, he needs therapy to find out what he wants - not a test the waters at a woman’s expense.
Men and women should be upfront about their intent and interest after the first date. If a person cannot be mature enough to be forthright, they need to grow up before offering something they aren’t willing to give. It’s rude and shows more of their nature than of the one they are not being empathetic to.
If you are not ready to date then don’t. If you are, then make for sure you are honest and clear without being an insensitively vague. A lot of people on dating sites are not 20 somethings anymore and not into being strung along or having to guess what the other person wants or intends. So many people may be divorced or widowed and ready to give love a chance. Experience with coinciding manners pays off big and saves your reputation.
If a woman asks you if you plan on getting together or seeing her again or at all after you declare and interest, yet never follow up - don’t tag her as psycho or obsessive. She is in control of her life and wants to know if she should include you in any part of it in whatever way you both intend. That is desirable and sexy if you are a mature guy with respect and honor. If you are a serial dater or egoist who has to control the outcome of everything, then get off the dating sites and leave it to those who are serious and up front.
People generally appreciate when you leave ego at the door and fill it with honesty and integrity instead of waiting to decide what you feel like doing about it. Sloppy manners and indecisiveness is a huge turn off. Do what you say. Say what you mean and don’t waffle like an inexperienced player.