Is it a good idea to be in a rebound relationship?
Posted by Jeffrey on Thursday, 22 May, 2008
Amy writes,
About 4 months ago, I found out my ex boyfriend had cheated. Because we have been dating for 4 years (2 on, 1 off and then 2 more on) I felt that I needed to give him a chance, so I switched the relationship to open relationship and then things went down hill. 2 months ago we broke up. I loved him very much and I am having such a hard time getting over him. ¶ It seems that I am doing better and then I found out that he is moving in with the girl that he cheated on me with. I am in a way devastated. ¶ I have been trying to move on with my life with a “friend” but I couldn’t help fixating on my “friend” so I can forget about my ex. I don’t think its healthy. Now it has come to a point where I think I felt something more for my “friend” and I would like to see where it takes me… ¶ Is it fair or a good idea to be making that decision now? or should I wait until I am totally forgotten about my ex?
Amy,
It can be comforting to spend time with another man after a painful breakup. When a relationship ends, just the presence of another person can ameliorate the sense of longing you (and I mean the impersonal you) can feel towards an ex. The danger, of course, is that you transfer the affection you felt towards the ex onto a new person. It is an act of magic, of illusion, in which you make the new partner a beloved, out of proportion to your true feelings, because otherwise you would constantly be pining away for your ex.
The Consequences of a Rebound Relationship
One consequence of the rebound relationship is that you do not allow yourself time to truly grieve, because you are distracted. As long as you invest your psychic energy into a new relationship, you do give yourself the opportunity to direct this energy towards the creation of an ending, a recycling or breaking down of the image/memories of your ex. Think of it like tending to compost — you have to muck it around with a shovel so that what was formerly greens and potato peels can turn into fertile soil, ready to be reused. So if you don’t tend to your past, it doesn’t decompose. Your past relationship is a landfill rather than the humus which enables you to grow a healthy, new relationship. How can you learn from your mistakes, or burn off old karma, if your attention is elsewhere?
A second consequence of a rebound relationship is that it may be unfair to your new “friend.” If your feelings aren’t true, but rather based on projection or desperation to forget your ex — and you eventually come to realize that you don’t have strong feelings for your friend after all — then your truth-telling will only cause pain. And it is often the case that the rebound person is grateful for your affections because he knows that you usually wouldn’t be interested in him. That is, he takes what he gets while it’s hot.
However, maybe it’s all OK. Your feelings (and now I mean yours, Amy) may be authentic, and you may be in a budding relationship that will bring you fulfillment. In this case, find a confidant or psychotherapist with whom you can discuss your previous relationship. You were betrayed and then rejected in favor of another woman. It can be a blow to your self-esteem, and you may be feeling angry.
It is not really appropriate to deconstruct all this with your current guy. Even if he listens empathically, it’s just kinda icky. Share your ex stuff with a female friend, and if your new guy asks about whether you’re still in love with your ex, just be honest in a manner that’s not hurtful, like, “He hurt me bad, and it’s hard to get over, because I feel wounded. I’m afraid of being cheated on again. It makes it hard to trust.” Bring your fears into the present without focusing too much on your feelings about your ex. Then your new guy can reassure you that he will never betray you. And hopefully you’ve picked someone who stays true to his word.
~ Jeffrey
May 23rd, 2008 at
Amy, I concur with Jeffrey’s advice. I would recommend putting on hold this new relationship for a while. Can you discuss all this honestly with your ‘friend’? Does he know that you may be interested in him? If he is interested also, & if he really is a true friend, he will work with you & give you the time you need to process your feelings about your last break-up. Break-up after a 4 year long relationship must be painful, & in order to really move on in life, you need to feel that pain & work through it instead of getting distracted with a new affair. You are going through a big loss, that is bound to raise many questions about your own self worth/identity, your dreams/goals in life etc. Depressed brain does not process information well & it’s always wise to hold off on making any major decisions while you’re going through such phases. When your feminine ego is wounded by a man who left you for another woman, it can be flattering & tempting to receive attention from another man. But don’t fall into that trap. It will not heal your wounds. Take your time, seek some help, surround yourself with a good support system & when you’re ready for it, hopefully your ‘friend’ will still be around for you to explore a romantic relationship with him. I wish you well…:-)
BTW, Jeffrey I had no idea you were that deep into composting. Good metaphor though…:P
May 26th, 2008 at
Amy, I understand your feelings.I know that attimes I met someone while I was with someone else.But almost always when the first relationship was serious, I didn’t know my true feelings.
Maybe just give yourself more space.
Don’t commit to anyone, just feel what you feel–see what it’s all about for you.
If you can put things off with the new man you’re seeing do so–but don’t think if you can’t decide that it has to be all or nothing.Just focus on yourself as much as possible though.
I like Jeff’s idea of seeieng a therapist–I’ve been there and it does take our focus back to ourselves, and decisions come more easily.
Karen
May 26th, 2008 at
BTW–Shygirl is right Jeffrey.I very much agree with that analogy.
K.
May 27th, 2008 at
Shygirl, I wouldn’t say I’m DEEP into composting, but I do reduce/reuse/recycle when I can
May 28th, 2008 at
Hey Guys, thank you for your advice. I took it but I didn’t get to break it off in time for the new guy to break things off with me. He just sort of disappeared off the face of the earth.
All well…
May 28th, 2008 at
That sounds disappointing, Amy, even if the outcome is the same.
July 5th, 2008 at
Whoa.
I’m glad this exists.
Because this is what I need right now.
I went through a similar situation. I just need to be honest, I guess.
October 19th, 2008 at
Amy, I agree with Jeffrey also. Give yourself time to heal and focus on self, your spirituality. If you begin a new relationship before you are over the hurt from your ex, you will never fully heal. And each time you get hurt again, you will feel the hurt ten times over. Every time you don’t allow yourself to grieve and you move onto another relationship,you feel the hurt from every relationship and you bring that bagage with you each time, It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to the new guy as well. If you can move past this and allow yourself to go through the process of healing fully, your on your way to forming healthy relationships. No one wants to feel the pain of a breakup even if the relationship was bad to begin with, we all want someone to share our lives with, but that person you allow into your life needs to be able to fullfill you spiritually and have the same values and commitment. Take a break and focus on you. You are all you have and you deserve the best.