I want to talk again, but he won’t respond to my e-mails
Posted by Jeffrey on Wednesday, 7 May, 2008
flourish writes,
The man I love hasn’t spoken to me in seven months. We had a rocky relationship in which he shut me out several times. When we began to get friendly again, I was too angry and shut him out for a few months, refusing to speak to him and giving him a taste of his own medicine. Now, I would like us to talk again, but he won’t respond to any of my e-mails and has changed his phone number. I ran into him randomly and I could see that he was as shocked as I was. I think that he still cares, but I wonder if I’m being foolish. Is there anything I can do to resolve this situation?
flourish,
You need to let this go. There is too much ill will. If he’s not responding to you — and went so far as to change his phone number — it means he wants no contact with you.
Even if he cares, he’s also hurt. When he was available to you after shutting you out, you shut him out. You probably had every right to be angry after the way he treated you. But if he had regrets about the past when you got friendly again, any warmth he felt towards you was probably extinguished the moment you turned your back on him.
You’ve already emailed him. There’s no more you can do. If he wants contact, he will reach out to you.
Refusing to speak to someone is a way to exert power over them. But healing a rift between equals is not likely to happen under these circumstances. Instead, empower yourself by speaking about your pain and frustration. In the future (and with other men), it would be wise to communicate your anger directly.
~ Jeffrey
May 7th, 2008 at
Hi Flourish,
I wish I can give you a hug. It always hurts when you want someone and that person isn’t responding like you expected them to. I know it has happened to me many times over. It is still hard to talk about what is bothering me or what is frustrating but it has helped me even though I hate being vulnerable like that.
I want to say to Jeffrey that I love this and I quote him, “Refusing to speak to someone is a way to exert power over them.” This is so true!!!
Flourish: If he doesn’t contact you ever again, then you should be thankful and grateful before you become deeply involved with him and have his children, and then it would just be a mess. Hiss loss, anyways, right? I’m on your team - girls stick together =)
xoxo
May 9th, 2008 at
Flourish, Unfortunately I think both of you guys have hurt each other enough & the damage may be irreparable at this point. It’s best to count your losses & move on. Learn what you need to from this experience & don’t be be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. Even if all this relationship has done for you is make you more aware of who you are & what your needs & flaws are, it has served it’s purpose. Sadly not everything in life is meant to last. Some people & relationships come in our life to bring us lessons that we need to learn. I wish you well…:-)
May 9th, 2008 at
I DISAGREE WITH EVERYONE!!!!
LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!!!
If you love him, then don’t give up. You said that you have sent him emails, but what did you say? Was it just a simple: Let’s hang out.
Or did you spill your guts? You need to spill your guts, beg, tell all truth, and then apologize in the most empathetic and genuine way you ever have in all your life. You also need to make sure you have done enough self-reflection to know what your own guts are. Why did you do what you did? You have to spill the truth, but first, and this is crucial, you need to really understand what the truth is for you. Make sure this is what you really want too, because if you work your butt off to get him back finally, don’t just drop him like a fly AGAIN which is probably why he isn’t falling for it this time. Do you just want what you cannot have, or if he opens up, will you be receptive this time? Get real with yourself, and get real with him.
I am a true romantic. Everything for love. However, all you can do is put everything on the talbe, then let him come to you. At the very least, YOU NEED TO SET THINGS RIGHT EVEN IF YOU NEVER HAVE HIM AGAIN!!! Loving someone isn’t just about being “with” them in a relationship. Loving someone is being selfless and doing what is right, the best that you can, to make-up for any pain you have caused them. We hurt the ones we love, we really do, and for this, we owe everything to these people to repair it.
Even if he doesn’t respond, you will not even be able to let him go until you have done right by him to the best of your ability and with integrity. If it was meant to be, after you have done the right thing, then fate may work a little in your favor. After finally being selfless, then letting him keep the ball in his own court, maybe next time you run into each other, the energy will be one of possibility.
My first love said to me, “Anything you don’t have, you simply didn’t want enough”
He’s right. After I agonized over losing him, one day I realized that I didn’t even want him anymore. This is why you need to self-reflect so that this guy doesn’t become your collateral damage. He sounds sensitive. Be careful with him if you really love him.
May 9th, 2008 at
Ignipotent, at what point would she just be harassing him, though? It doesn’t sound like he wants contact. Sure, she should self-reflect, but she doesn’t have to involve him in that process.
May 9th, 2008 at
Yeah, I agree and I was wanting to go back and include that. She definitely should not “stalk” him and bother him to that point.
The point where it becomes harassment is really a difficult one, because every situation is so unique. She may even need to give him a lot of space while she thinks, then send the “honest email” with all the needed info, and then let him be the one to choose.
We see all these movies with people running in front of airplanes to confess their undying love and apologize, or “You had me at hello!” and all these other funny Hollywood stories. I have found that these methods are actually quite effective
But, Jeffrey, you are absolutely right. Forcing someone to do something they are not ready to do is not love either. It’s a delicate balancing act.
May 9th, 2008 at
Oh, in fact Jeffrey, it’s not just a balancing act, but maybe an art even.
May 9th, 2008 at
There’s art in force? Perhaps I misunderstand you.
May 9th, 2008 at
When someone has changed their phone number to avoid contact with you, I think it’s safe to say that (with any attempts to contact them after that) we are at the point of ‘harassment’, if not way past it. The only thing left after that is a restraining order.
May 19th, 2008 at
Well, if you already did what you can to reach him and he doesn’t respond at all…Move on…don’t waste your time for someone who doesn’t want to be with you anymore. He is not alone in this world, you can meet someone who loves you better than he did..
May 21st, 2008 at
Is it any more clear? Move on with your life. Only you have the power to let others make you feel like this. Its childish and you’ve definitely met someone who has no grasp of his behavior.
May 29th, 2008 at
@Jeffrey
1. She never said he changed the number to avoid her. It may have nothing to do with her.
2. I have deleted myspace. etc., changed my number and so on to make a point with a guy that I was really pissed, but the whole time I loved him and wanted him, but wanted to make sure he really “got it” how mad I was. Yeah, I have weird habits, but unless I say “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you ever again. Please leave me alone” that is because I am still wanting it…just not sure what to do about my desire or if I am ready to let the person back in.
These are the some of the reasons for my position. Most people probably don’t avoid another person when they want that person, but I know I have certainly done it.
July 12th, 2008 at
I don’t think he still cares. He changed his number and has yet to reply to you. It is time to MOVE ON. If he cares, he would have responded by now. You can’t put your life at a stand still for him. You deserve better. Like I said, MOVE ON, even if it is hard in the beginning but time heals all wounds. Before you know it, and before you are looking for love, love will come and find you. FInd out what FLOURISH wants and needs. Love FLOURISH more than ever and you will realize that you have been healed. Many hugs and blessings your way -