Woman doesn’t want to ruin her friendship by making the first move
Posted by Jeffrey on Friday, 28 March, 2008
Jillian writes,
My friend and I continue to become closer and closer.He professes we are very good friends and is very supportive of me when I need him.I helped him through a very hard time in his life when others deserted him. He relied on me and when he did not need me anymore I went through a hard transition. Our friendship has been evolving and I feel as though something changed recently with him and that maybe he is thinking of the possibility of us having a relationship. It is hard to know as he does not share his feelings except on rare and limited occasions. His friends are back now. I recently supported him through the death of his beloved pet whom he had a very deep emotional bond and love for. Sometimes I can feel the intensity between us. He is 18 years younger than I. He invites me over for movies and to hang out. Is it possible he could be afraid of having a relationship or just not sure he wants it? Or maybe he does not want it. I do still struggle with thinking of him all the time. I can’t make the first move and I am unwilling to ask as I do not want to ruin the friendship we have. I would never want to lose that.I truly love him. Any advice on how to find the answer or do I just wait and see? It has been a few months.
Jillian,
Fear paralyzes us in so many ways, yet we have no idea what will happen if we choose to act on our desires. Making the first move and asking how he feels about you can elicit fears of two different outcomes: rejection and awkwardness. You are uncertain about what is going on in his head, as he hasn’t told you and you haven’t asked. If you put your cards on the table and he tells you he is not interested in you romantically, what’s worse — knowing for certain that your love is not reciprocated, or the possibility that this (power) imbalance will disrupt the equilibrium that you have established in your friendship? It sounds like you’ll get over it if he tells you he doesn’t share your feelings, but you’d feel a great loss if he pulls away.
So it all comes down to this: What kind of guy is he? The kind who can accept your love and not let any feelings of guilt (that he can’t love you back), repulsion (that you’re old enough to be his mother) or any other unpleasant emotion get in the way? Or the kind who can’t? Let’s face it: being loved and not reciprocating can feel like a burden, because you can’t possibly give the other person what they want. You can be a friend, but if you constantly know that they want more and are pining away for you, it can feel uncomfortable.
If this guy doesn’t love you back, then he has more power than you. You’re willing to do things for him that he may not be willing to do for you. Lovers make more sacrifices than friends do (in most cases). If he has a sufficient level of maturity, he won’t take advantage of you and he will embrace your affection without feeling obligated to be more than a friend.
So yes, there may be a risk of ruining your friendship. You have to make a judgment call regarding his maturation level. On the other hand, maybe he does love you back and is afraid — and your openness might be the trigger needed to move you both to the next step. You may lose something by not making the first move, and you may lose something by taking action. It all depends on what’s most important to you.
~ Jeffrey
March 28th, 2008 at
I think there may be other factors going on here, there is an age difference of near 20 years which if placed in certain times in his life, may give him a lot of confusion about his feelings.
I was 19, he was 41 and I had to think long and hard before initiating it…because there were going to serious realities when it went down. I had to make sure I was willing to deal with stares, a scared father, friends that might be a little off-put. Not to mention he had an ex wife and 6 kids, and they had to deal with it!
In the end, I am glad I did it, it was a great relationship and he was sincerely the best lover (there is a reason his ex-wife didn’t cut him off at 3-4 kids!!)!!
So as far as power is concerned…he already has power as the younger man, which makes the leap even more difficult…
When he shares his feelings, is it during times when his friends aren’t around? You mentioned his friends are back, could it be that he doesn’t spend the same amount of time with you when they are around, or they are not aware of how close you two are. If not, this could be sign he is using you for comfort, and the relationship is already unbalanced.
Relationships born out of crises can end pretty badly, and thats what this relationship was born in…he was not in his element and he was not in his normal state of happiness. You helped him through, and thats great…thats what friendship is all about.
My bottom line is I would proceed REALLY REALLY CAUTIOUSLY.
In my opinion, there are so many yellow and red lights in this letter, Jill…. “his friends are back” you said..this means the next few weeks are going to tell you everything you need to know..stay strong!
-angelineelise, “I’ve been through a few things, I can tell you some stories..”
March 28th, 2008 at
so I am going to correct myself…I re-read the letter and I realize that I don’t know if your relationship was “born” out of crises…but what something else you said really just pushed my buttons:
“He relied on me and when he did not need me anymore I went through a hard transition”
and you just helped him through another hardship?
The next few weeks are going to really tell on him. Just be compassionate but aware. Also try and figure out if YOU are willing to let this get off as just a friendship..
your in my positive thoughts ;),
-a.
March 30th, 2008 at
Hi Angelineelise,Jeffrey,
Thanks for responding. It amazes me how many caring people there are out there that take the time to be there for people they have never met. It is very encouraging.I believe he is mature enough to accept that I have deep feelings for him.I believe he knows as I have demonstrated that over and over.
I have tried to tell myself we are just friends, I can hold that thought for very brief periods then I lose it and get swept back in. During the hard transition of him not needing me and his friends coming back, there was a “girl friend” who showed up to apologize and make amends to him for something, and he said he was just friends with her but she would show up late at night unexpectedly when I was there. This is the time period that was very hard for me. She is gone now and I have not heard anything more of her and this is when I noticed another change in our relationship, him wanting to spend more time with me again. His regular circle of male friends all know we are very close and they treat me with a lot of respect.I would think a couple of them may know if he has feelings for me romantically.
I realize that I have never made a first move for a guy. It would be totally out of my realm.It could be from things in my childhood that make it uncomfortable for me to be the initiator, although I can be very passionate and open once a relationship is established. It is possible that he is as scared as I am of making a first move for various reasons. I just keep thinking that it will just happen. Maybe he is afraid of hurting me in a relationship.I am trying to keep our relationship balanced and me expressing my love would leave me vulnerable. And I would have to deal with the rejection ick but I would not risk the loss of his friendship.So, maybe I should give it two months and at that point give up wanting a romantic relationship with him and just enjoy the bond we have. Let me hold that thought. He is coming over tonight. I would love to hear your stories Angelineelise. Great new stuff Jeffrey!
March 31st, 2008 at
He asked me to go to the beach with him today. It was beautiful but very cold and windy, his dog ran off to investigate the horses, not good. His other ex girlfriend called him, he called her back at his house and was on the phone for 1 hour.We watched the game and had a nice time. I really thought today might be the day he would tell me he liked me but… Even though they could be just friends I feel sad. At least I acted fine. He asked me to come over tomorrow we manage to keep enough things going on between us we have excuses to see each other. Parts of this relationship I love and part I don’t. I feel tired of this right now.
March 31st, 2008 at
Jillian, It does sound painful to spend time with him and not be able to be with him the way you would like.
March 31st, 2008 at
I don’t blame you for being tired, Jillian. It sounds like this guy likes having you around…but I think you are absolutely right in writing Jeffrey because it really sounds like your in a pivotal point in your relationship with him.
Jillian, when he talked to his ex gf on the phone for an hour…were you at his house? The way the post was written, it looks like it does and no true gentlemen should do that to a woman! Ever. I don’t care if he is “just friends” with her…I don’t care if it was his male best friend…I would have left.
You sound really tired, Jillian…I’m offering up a suggestion to you, take some space. If he really likes you as a friend (or more), he will respect it and wait for you.
If he asks why you need space specifically from him tell him the truth about your CONFUSION this relationship is causing you. Let him know you are interested in a romantic relationship (because, lets face it, you are…even if it’s not with him), and as long as he is around you are not out pursuing one.
Let him know you value the time you spend together, and you don’t want to ruin it by expecting too much of him emotionally.
(Think of it as a trial “break up”…if he wants you romantically he will have to speak up…and if he lets you go then you’re going the need the space to heal.)
~Close Your Eyes, Take 3 Deep Breaths, And Open Them~
Thinking Of You Jillian,
-a.
April 2nd, 2008 at
Hi,
Yes I was at his house.I thought maybe he was taking a shower because we had just got back from the beach. I am emotionally attached and it gets worse when I spend every night with him.I am really thinking over what you said. During the time when I did not see him as much, I did try to express my feelings. I told him I was attached to him and when I did not see him like usual, I felt sad. I was vague and it came off as me being emotional. But on some level I think he knows how I feel.I think he knew then. I think he reads me pretty well. Last night I was a bit aloof, left earlier than usual,and I noticed he tried to balance the power shift by offering to do things for me. I probably won’t see him tonight.What I need to think over is I am not sure I want to go the pain of rejection and maybe a awkward friendship but April 11, would be a good day if I decide to tell him. -Jill
April 5th, 2008 at
Hi Jillian, I am sorry you are hurting. I would strongly recommend taking some time off to be by yourself. Please put some distance between you & this guy and it might help you to think a bit more rationally about it all. Sometimes when we are too close to a problem, we just can’t find a solution even if it’s right under nose. Treat yourself with love & care, take a break from it all, go for a weekend away with other friend if you can, do something nice for yourself. Take care.
April 7th, 2008 at
Hi,
I am going away next weekend so I will give it a try. Maybe I will gain some clarity. I know I am not being rational about it. I just feel so in love. Thanks, Jillian