Love-Advice.com

Posted by Jeffrey on Sunday, 30 March, 2008

Easha23000us writes,

Hi, I am a female … currently involved with a … man…. My question to you is, Is he with me, Because that he loves me, or because he needs me? When we first got together, He was introduced to me by his ex-girlfriend…. I notice that every time that he gets around her, he acts a little weird, And they now call themselves the best of friends. She was the one who broke up with him. A while later after we dated, we broke up, and he moved in with her sister…. Four months later, He ended up dating her sister, and propose marriage to her. He also proposed to her sister when they were together. She ended up dumping him, and threw him out, but he wanted to remain friends with her. He needed somewhere to go, Therefore, a mutual friend contacted me and told me that [he] misses me. That night we hooked back up, and been together every since. Sometimes I feel as if he loves me, and other times I feel that if [she] would have never dumped him, we would not have reunited. Now a days, He has not been seeing [either of them]. He stays at home with me. But when I sometimes check his phone, I noticed that he would text her, And would lie to me about it. Sometimes I feel like I am not the one he truly wants to be with, But since I am helping him out, By providing a roof over his head, and I helped him when the other’s abandoned him, He feels as if that is a good enough reason to marry me. But I do not want to play second fiddle. Do he loves me for me, Or do he love me for the things that I provide for him. I also take him back and forth to work, because his license is suspended.

Easha23000us,

This relationship sounds like bad news. Your guy can’t afford his own housing, lies to you about texting his ex, and has a suspended license. If I fill in the blanks, I assume he either has a DUI or no car insurance. You are essentially taking care of him. Do you want a man who leeches off you, who can’t drive responsibly or earn enough money to support himself?

He may be bouncing from woman to woman until he finds one who puts up with him. And you haven’t even mentioned whether you love him. Do you just want a guy to love you? Even if this guy does love you (and I’m not saying he does or does not), that may not be sufficient reason to stay with him. You ought to be with someone whom you respect.

Which makes me wonder about your own self-respect. Obviously, you’re writing to me because you don’t want to be second fiddle; you want to be loved for you, not for what you provide. So that’s a start. But it sounds like you may be a caretaker of lost souls, of men who can’t function well in society. Perhaps it makes you feel valuable. Or maybe it’s a role to which you are accustomed. Did you have a family member that you had to care for while you were a child?

I suggest you place some ultimatums on your guy. Maybe he needs a second job within walking distance of your home, or additional education to help him get higher-paying work. Is he an underachiever? Make sure he enters recovery if he has a substance abuse problem. This is the very least you should do. Then, if he can afford his own place but chooses to stay with you anyway, then I’d be more convinced that he loves you for you.

~ Jeffrey