Why do I attract married men?
Posted by Jeffrey on Wednesday, 26 March, 2008
Carmen writes,
I need some advice on finding good dating spots. I tend to come on strong to guys I like and some assume that I want sex. But, I really want to build a relationship with someone and most online sites basically are meat markets used for people looking for sex. I want to know if there are places that I can go to meet nice, honest men. I tend to draw the ones who are married or in a relationship. Please help!
Carmen,
When we attract unavailable people, it is usually because we are unconsciously repeating childhood patterns. Perhaps your father was frequently unfaithful to your mother, so you’re used to that behavior in a man. It feels normal, if only because that’s was what you grew up with. Even if you weren’t consciously aware of his behavior until you were an adolescent or older, you may have still felt the “vibe.” Or maybe your father was just plain emotionally unavailable to you, and you become somewhat sexually provocative (once again, not consciously) to draw him in. Nothing sexual may have happened, mind you, but you may have learned that using your erotic appeal was a way to get men’s attention.
If this is the case, some good old-fashioned psychotherapy may help you to unearth these relational patterns. With a shift in how you relate to men, you may start putting out a different energy, which will then attract single — truly single — men. This healing process is much harder than it sounds, but may be well worth it.
Coming on Strong
If you’re being assertive in expressing your attraction to men, then of course they’re going to assume you want sex. Guys want sex. They are not used to women who come on strong. I feel hesitant in suggesting you learn to be coy and alluring, because why shouldn’t a woman go for what she wants? Why does she have to hold back and be the “passive” recipient in the dating game? However, the realities of the social climate may dictate that you need to dial it down a little bit. That is, put out signals and let the men come to you.
Where to Meet Men?
I think this question answers itself once you’ve taken care of the above issues. There are nice, honest men in the same places you will find duplicitous men.
~ Jeffrey
March 27th, 2008 at
Coming On Strong….
I used to be a coming on strong kinda gal…and it never got me anywhere, except for frustrated. “I am a strong, intelligent woman, why should I act helpless?” I thought.
Well, men want to be of service to women. I think that is their natural inclination…to provide.
So instead of coming on strong, I just try and think how can this guy feel like he is helping me? Have him tell you about something you’ve never heard before, his job, his hobbies, the local area..and really pay attention to him.
I used to be a big convo hog!! I always try and come off as my strong self, but them let him direct some of the date.
March 27th, 2008 at
Thanks, angelineelise! You’re the first commenter, and have officially deflowered Love-Advice.com.
March 27th, 2008 at
tiz better to be too assertive, than too passive !
maybe you attract married men in particular, since they (one imagines) feel conflicted… loyalty to their wives vs desire for hot new things. someone with this conflict may be holding themselves back a bit, yet the moment someone takes the lead they are THERE.
March 28th, 2008 at
Um, why don’t you just ask them if they are married in the first 5 minutes? I think if I was attracting married men, that would be a strategy to adopt!
Now now, it sounds too direct, but if he isn’t married, he will probably get a kick out of the question and find it very funny.
About coming on strong…I come on very strong with men too…but I actually DO want sex when I behave this way (just not right away). Are you sure they aren’t just reading you properly?
March 28th, 2008 at
I used to attract mostly married men and I still do. I am attractive and probably so are you. I’m also a very assertive woman. My father was not only emotionally unavailable I knew he felt a little hostile toward me. After a two year hiatus from dating and just investing in myself. Not looking for someone but still looking attractive and being just happy to be alive and me was enough to attract the right kind of men. I still get married one’s too, and pigs (just looking for a hook up) but they are fewer and less aggressive. Ultimately I am happier.
March 30th, 2008 at
i “come on strong” but i, honestly, am a virgin. i have attracted many men who were committed and lied about it. they were “the rolling stone” type. my father was not unfaithful to my mother. so, what’s my deal?
March 31st, 2008 at
@taurus2, I don’t know. What kind of man are you attracted to?
April 4th, 2008 at
I attract married men at work all the time. Probably because that is where a girl is best dressed all professional looking and polished, with her hair and makeup just so, and an attitude to match. It’s an outfit you wear which includes the fragrance, the fixed smile, the heels. It’s all very phony actually because the minute I get home I collapse back into my natural self, remove all jewelry and heels, go barefoot and fall into my pajamas (phew!)I don’t get out of my pajamas all weekend. I even go grocery shopping in my pajamas. I love my pajamas
So these married men go home to their stressed-out work-weary wives (as most people live in two income households these days) and all they have to look forward to is their pajamas.
No wonder they are attracted to their secretaries.
Now single men may be attracted but we know from the first day on the job who is single and who isn’t. So I feel safe around married men, comfortable-like. They can’t pose a threat to my existence so I can laugh and smile and joke with them because it’s all a work thing. Men seem to like that.
But I can’t laugh or joke or relax around single guys because they make me nervous and uptight. I make them nervous and uptight too because it’s as if we’re sizing each other up subconsciously as potential dating material. He’s thinking, hmmm, she may be a good lay; I’m thinking, hmmm, he might make a good husband. And neither of us wants to be a victim.
How does a girl get out of this rut? It’s an endless cycle . . .
April 6th, 2008 at
I have to say I notice not one person agreed with Jeffrey K. that maybe some good old-fashioned psychotherapy is a good idea.
I agree!!
I know Victorius Victoria avoids married men.
Some women–don’t.
Not because they want a married man necessarily, or at least not consciously–but they do want to get away with something,to win over someone unattainable and then if it does not work out –well–’he was married in the 1st place..’
If we come on strong becuase w e*do* want sex–that’s fine.
I agree with Ms.Angeliniesee though that if we do want to have some kind of relationship–sit back a bit–we don’t have to act all foolishly passive–just ask him a question, and let him talk about his favorite subject-himself.;-)
April 10th, 2008 at
Victoria, you sound like me! I too am more comfortable around married men because they’re already committed and I’ve no intention of pooping in another woman’s sandbox. Married guys are “safe.” Single guys, unless they’re co-workers, younger, unattractive or not in my league, pose a threat that makes me freeze up and become someone even I don’t recognize. Lately, I met at guy at one of the safest locations I can imagine - church. After months of checking each other out, we finally hooked up. Turns out, he’s still married but has been separated for 5 years. Go figure! And yes, my dad was emotionally detached: Loved my mother and never cheated, just lived in his own world.
April 11th, 2008 at
In response to the above 2-3 comments, is it really ever ‘SAFE’ to be around anyone irrespective of their marital status? I know what you are saying about feeling ’safer’ around married men. But the thing is you never truly know what their intentions maybe. Even if you may want nothing to do with married guys, he may have every intention to cheat on their spouse. Also once you allow yourself to get comfortable, & start getting to know each other well there’s always possibility of getting emotionally involved. You may choose to not act on every attraction you feel based on the circumstances, but the possibility exists for something to develop. Qualification of being ‘married’ may itself not be an insurance against heart! Heart does not know such distinctions, so the question is, ‘are you ever truly ’safe’ with anyone?’
April 11th, 2008 at
Quite true, Shygirl. Quite true.
April 11th, 2008 at
But the mind drives the heart. I don’t know about others, but I made up my mind years ago that married men, co-workers, needy men, etc, were off limits for reasons I’m sure you can imagine. This is a promise I’ve been able to keep for myself for over ten years. Perhaps I should have said ‘married men are safe from me.’ I am saying that the guy I met recently threw me for a loop. I’m now realizing he’s emotionally unavailable and that’s my que to exit.
April 11th, 2008 at
Julie, I am glad that your mind ‘drives’ your heart. For some of us, our heart has a mind of it’s own…
…..:-):-)