Carmen writes,
I need some advice on finding good dating spots. I tend to come on strong to guys I like and some assume that I want sex. But, I really want to build a relationship with someone and most online sites basically are meat markets used for people looking for sex. I want to know if there are places that I can go to meet nice, honest men. I tend to draw the ones who are married or in a relationship. Please help!
Carmen,
When we attract unavailable people, it is usually because we are unconsciously repeating childhood patterns. Perhaps your father was frequently unfaithful to your mother, so you’re used to that behavior in a man. It feels normal, if only because that’s was what you grew up with. Even if you weren’t consciously aware of his behavior until you were an adolescent or older, you may have still felt the “vibe.” Or maybe your father was just plain emotionally unavailable to you, and you become somewhat sexually provocative (once again, not consciously) to draw him in. Nothing sexual may have happened, mind you, but you may have learned that using your erotic appeal was a way to get men’s attention.
If this is the case, some good old-fashioned psychotherapy may help you to unearth these relational patterns. With a shift in how you relate to men, you may start putting out a different energy, which will then attract single — truly single — men. This healing process is much harder than it sounds, but may be well worth it.
Coming on Strong
If you’re being assertive in expressing your attraction to men, then of course they’re going to assume you want sex. Guys want sex. They are not used to women who come on strong. I feel hesitant in suggesting you learn to be coy and alluring, because why shouldn’t a woman go for what she wants? Why does she have to hold back and be the “passive” recipient in the dating game? However, the realities of the social climate may dictate that you need to dial it down a little bit. That is, put out signals and let the men come to you.
Where to Meet Men?
I think this question answers itself once you’ve taken care of the above issues. There are nice, honest men in the same places you will find duplicitous men.
~ Jeffrey
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Coming On Strong….
I used to be a coming on strong kinda gal…and it never got me anywhere, except for frustrated. “I am a strong, intelligent woman, why should I act helpless?” I thought.
Well, men want to be of service to women. I think that is their natural inclination…to provide.
So instead of coming on strong, I just try and think how can this guy feel like he is helping me? Have him tell you about something you’ve never heard before, his job, his hobbies, the local area..and really pay attention to him.
I used to be a big convo hog!! I always try and come off as my strong self, but them let him direct some of the date.
Thanks, angelineelise! You’re the first commenter, and have officially deflowered Love-Advice.com.
tiz better to be too assertive, than too passive !
maybe you attract married men in particular, since they (one imagines) feel conflicted… loyalty to their wives vs desire for hot new things. someone with this conflict may be holding themselves back a bit, yet the moment someone takes the lead they are THERE.
Um, why don’t you just ask them if they are married in the first 5 minutes? I think if I was attracting married men, that would be a strategy to adopt!
Now now, it sounds too direct, but if he isn’t married, he will probably get a kick out of the question and find it very funny.
About coming on strong…I come on very strong with men too…but I actually DO want sex when I behave this way (just not right away). Are you sure they aren’t just reading you properly?
I used to attract mostly married men and I still do. I am attractive and probably so are you. I’m also a very assertive woman. My father was not only emotionally unavailable I knew he felt a little hostile toward me. After a two year hiatus from dating and just investing in myself. Not looking for someone but still looking attractive and being just happy to be alive and me was enough to attract the right kind of men. I still get married one’s too, and pigs (just looking for a hook up) but they are fewer and less aggressive. Ultimately I am happier.
i “come on strong” but i, honestly, am a virgin. i have attracted many men who were committed and lied about it. they were “the rolling stone” type. my father was not unfaithful to my mother. so, what’s my deal?
@taurus2, I don’t know. What kind of man are you attracted to?
I attract married men at work all the time. Probably because that is where a girl is best dressed all professional looking and polished, with her hair and makeup just so, and an attitude to match. It’s an outfit you wear which includes the fragrance, the fixed smile, the heels. It’s all very phony actually because the minute I get home I collapse back into my natural self, remove all jewelry and heels, go barefoot and fall into my pajamas (phew!)I don’t get out of my pajamas all weekend. I even go grocery shopping in my pajamas. I love my pajamas
So these married men go home to their stressed-out work-weary wives (as most people live in two income households these days) and all they have to look forward to is their pajamas.
No wonder they are attracted to their secretaries.
Now single men may be attracted but we know from the first day on the job who is single and who isn’t. So I feel safe around married men, comfortable-like. They can’t pose a threat to my existence so I can laugh and smile and joke with them because it’s all a work thing. Men seem to like that.
But I can’t laugh or joke or relax around single guys because they make me nervous and uptight. I make them nervous and uptight too because it’s as if we’re sizing each other up subconsciously as potential dating material. He’s thinking, hmmm, she may be a good lay; I’m thinking, hmmm, he might make a good husband. And neither of us wants to be a victim.
How does a girl get out of this rut? It’s an endless cycle . . .
I have to say I notice not one person agreed with Jeffrey K. that maybe some good old-fashioned psychotherapy is a good idea.
I agree!!
I know Victorius Victoria avoids married men.
Some women–don’t.
Not because they want a married man necessarily, or at least not consciously–but they do want to get away with something,to win over someone unattainable and then if it does not work out –well–’he was married in the 1st place..’
If we come on strong becuase w e*do* want sex–that’s fine.
I agree with Ms.Angeliniesee though that if we do want to have some kind of relationship–sit back a bit–we don’t have to act all foolishly passive–just ask him a question, and let him talk about his favorite subject-himself.;-)
Victoria, you sound like me! I too am more comfortable around married men because they’re already committed and I’ve no intention of pooping in another woman’s sandbox. Married guys are “safe.” Single guys, unless they’re co-workers, younger, unattractive or not in my league, pose a threat that makes me freeze up and become someone even I don’t recognize. Lately, I met at guy at one of the safest locations I can imagine - church. After months of checking each other out, we finally hooked up. Turns out, he’s still married but has been separated for 5 years. Go figure! And yes, my dad was emotionally detached: Loved my mother and never cheated, just lived in his own world.
In response to the above 2-3 comments, is it really ever ‘SAFE’ to be around anyone irrespective of their marital status? I know what you are saying about feeling ’safer’ around married men. But the thing is you never truly know what their intentions maybe. Even if you may want nothing to do with married guys, he may have every intention to cheat on their spouse. Also once you allow yourself to get comfortable, & start getting to know each other well there’s always possibility of getting emotionally involved. You may choose to not act on every attraction you feel based on the circumstances, but the possibility exists for something to develop. Qualification of being ‘married’ may itself not be an insurance against heart! Heart does not know such distinctions, so the question is, ‘are you ever truly ’safe’ with anyone?’
Quite true, Shygirl. Quite true.
But the mind drives the heart. I don’t know about others, but I made up my mind years ago that married men, co-workers, needy men, etc, were off limits for reasons I’m sure you can imagine. This is a promise I’ve been able to keep for myself for over ten years. Perhaps I should have said ‘married men are safe from me.’ I am saying that the guy I met recently threw me for a loop. I’m now realizing he’s emotionally unavailable and that’s my que to exit.
Julie, I am glad that your mind ‘drives’ your heart. For some of us, our heart has a mind of it’s own…
…..:-):-)
I agree with Shygirl… I don ‘t understand the comment “I’m safe with married men” lol they are still men, we are still girls/women, we are all human, have desires and thoughts, feelings etc. regardless of our marital status! It’s up to us to act upon them or not but the temptation is always out there. And I feel the statement “I’m safer with married men” makes you relax even more, be yourself and open up with these married men which can potentially lead to some sort of involvement from either side or both. Not judging whether it’s right or wrong, just stating a fact.
My father was always available and he’s never cheated on my Mom, old school man with high values - that was not an option or part of the equation to be with another woman.
I too have been attracting single men, as muchas I tell myself “run fastttttttttttttt” or “stay away from these men, the only one that will suffer in the end is you (me)”, I have been successful for the most part, just the one guy I know I have feelings for, I’m so attracted to him but I have not acted upon it and try to avoid him as much as I can. Luckily he lives so far away from me that it makes it easier, met him through work but when I hear his voice I melt!
I guess we all have fantasies and it’s okay to have them (even though some still refuse to admit fantasies lol it’s part of the subconcious) - nothing wrong with them, it’s our choice to cross the boundary or not - the problem is they could become dangerous and once you lose control….. the heart has a mind of it’s own… not easy to drive it with your mind. At least that’s my opinion.